Being real.

I have read on a few people's blogs how they thought their blogging was getting to be a surface thing, just sharing pretty pictures and not as much that is real to them, the good, bad and ugly of real emotions and real life. And I've kind of agreed. Though I know it is for various reasons, I try not to get into much on here. Try not to freak people out, like my family who read this. But I do think it's a good thing to share what is real, and for me that is being an emotional person. Among other things. So, being real. I'll start with this...

I'm quitting portrait photography

officially

well, not entirely across the board, but photo shoots

i hate the emotional rollercoaster

how i can't not take it personally

even tho i don't always understand why that is

i hate being so happy with a photo, because i think it is a great photo, but it is of someone else or someone else's kid or belly or baby. But those people don't necessarily APPRECIATE that. Or the fact that other photographers would charge hundreds more dollars just for the photo shoot, let-alone the photos themselves. And I hate that criticism, implied or explicit, and dissatisfaction, questioning the value I place on my work, I hate that it all hits me. And hurts me.

EVEN THOUGH I still believe the work is good. It makes me doubt that I as a person am any good. And I KNOW that is my problem but it is also MY decision. That is the way I respond - emotionally, not logically - and I have to learn to take that into account. in as much as it is in my power to reasonably remove the source of the angst, I should take that action to preserve myself, my emotional wellbeing, my innate need to tie the work I produce with my own creative value.

And it annoys me that I spend hours getting the best out of these photos for other people, when photos of my own children go unseen, un-edited or printed or looked at. Because I am busy with photos of other people FOR other people who don't necessarily understand what I see. So I want to save what I see and what I do for the person who understands it - myself. And my true friends and family.

It annoys me the way I call myself an artist (at least, sometimes) but the truth is I've sold a lot more photos than art in my life. But being called a photographer places these weird expectations like you are a business now and not a person, therefore it's not personal. To me, if I've made it or done it or written it or taken it, it is always personal.

It might be just perception, it might be my problem, but it is my life and my head and my heart so that is just and true. And my decision is

no more photography. Not for other people. Not right now.

My plan now is to work through my backlog of photos for friends and family. That stuff is for me as well as for them, so it's ok with me. Once that is up to date, I will just go with the flow and do what I want to do with it. Take photos of these kidlets I have around me every day. Find joy in it. Share joy. Relax.

And Marissa, of course I will still photograph your wedding, if you still want me. You're family :)

OK now back to our regular programming...